I need to speak to the masses. By the masses I mean the 200 BaJillion (yes I said Bajillion) poker players in world, in particular the 199,999,999,999,993,000 that jumped on the bandwagon after the poker boom. I have played for about 6-7 years now and i do enjoy the casual game much more than the big tourney's these days. Reason being there are too many characters trying to make a name for themselves by being as much like juiced up Wrestlers as they can. There are many stars of Poker, Chris "Jesus" Ferguson, Johnny "Sorry John, I dont remember" Chan, Scotty Ngyugen, Phil Ivey. Not to mention your one hit wonders like Chris Moneymaker, and Robert Varkoni. All of these players learned and followed this game because of Legends like Doyle Brunson, and Amarillo Slim, and Stu Unger. However one of the most popular and well liked poker Players is Phil Helmuth. For the record, I cannot stand this guy. He is the most arrogant, pompus, egotistical piece of crap i have ever seen on TV. He makes Rickey Henderson look like Mother Teresa. The other day my roomate and I were watching one of the 7 million different World series of poker tournaments. I think there is No limit, limit, pot limit, speed limit, short handed, left handed, omaha, omaha hi, Omaha lo, Hi in Omaha just to name a few. The one we were actually watching was the real world series of poker, you know one stack of high society (ten Grand to you non-rounders reading) game you see in the movies. Phil (should've been a cop) Helmuth was getting beaten by this older gentleman from new york, and Phil just continued to belittle him on national TV. I was getting so irritated, because i would never let any man talk to me that way, i dont care who you are. So I began thinking of how much i would lay into this egotistical bastard if i ever played him. First he tries to intimidate you by staring at you, not a problem.... i have dealt with much tougher foster children and their staring contests. Second, he tries to talk you into giving you up a tell by talking crap and misdirecting you therefore letting him know how he should bet or react. This is where i bust an Emiril and Kick it up a notch. I would give him the full Gary Payton treatment, i mean work him over good. Quotes such as "lay it down phil", "Phil I am going to tear you up right now", "unless you wanna go home now lay it down overhyped", "I hope you got tickets to Danny Gans because your not coming back here tomorrow", "I hope you are good at craps because if you call or raise your day is over", and "set them down son" (that oughta really fire him up).

Here is my reasoning, he is a poker god and i feel its a win win situation. If i talk all that crap and he beats me then at least i get some air time and i got knocked out by a legend. However, if i win, OH IF I WIN, he will never get me to shut up. He will probably try to get a floor person to shut me up because he is a rich baby/computer nerd. (granted i know he is a genius but that doesnt help my story) Not only will i get air time but it would be a great story my friends and myself could tell over the years. So next time you see Phil Helmuth trying to intimidate a player at the table just think someday scotts gonna work that guy over!!!!!

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH MUSIC????????????
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Let me start with a declaration, I am not a doctor, not even close. Shoot Dr. Dre is more of a doctor than I am. That being said where exactly on a female body is the Laffy Taffy? Because I was driving around the other day and heard an obviously skilled rapper telling his female ladies to shake their laffy taffy. Um.........I am fairly familiar with the female body and have yet to come across said laffy taffy. I can only think of one place it could be and i don't want her to shake it if its in there. I remember when rapper and entertainers would just be sly about what they were talking about........Like Whoomp there it is.............................and my favorite....the oddly familiar but apparently not the same Whoot there it is. All the average music listener had to determine was whoot or whoomp. However now the phase is food rap, i think i am going to enter the entertainment industry..............look out source awards here comes Dj Snacky Snack with his multiplatinum hit the Whopper bounce................or as it will be known in the streets.....shake tha whoppa. (A little secret though.....girls dont have
whoppers, i was just passing a burger king and thought whoppers sounded good.) Dj Snacky Snack being tremendously famous will drop the last snack on his name to be taken more seriously and will now be known as Dj Snacky (much better). The previously mentioned Dj Snacky will have many more hits like the drumstick wiggle, and the sobe shake, and right before he falls off, the last song that gets him serious gets street cred, and the best since whoppa bounce...........his multi patinum hit......Funyun Stank, where Dj Snacky gets a little gangsta with an appearance from lil Jon. two weeks later Dj Snack is an outkast, his song wheat thin jiggle bombs horribly, and his attempt at a love song "i'll eat your hershey kisses" is tremendously misunderstood. He tries to drop the Dj, and becomes SNACK....but it is too late and the rap industry has passed him by. Then of course he is forgotten as a new rapper who raps about bath soaps hits the scene, but it was a nice run while it lasted. by the way if anyone finds the laffy taffy or the whopper on a lady let me know................seacrest out................................LOL.

If my Giants dont contend...................................
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theres a couple things that make my offseason a little easier to swallow. First and foremost if the Giants are able to end the season record better than the dodgers then my pain is slightly numbed. The other thing that helps is seeing the Yankees lose. Its true, either you love the Yankees or you hate them..........guess where i stand. As much as i love the sport i despise the yankees because they stack their team with amazingly high payrolls and steal free agents from other teams. First let me start by saying i know for a fact that if the Giants did this i probably wouldnt care because it is very similar to what the 49ers did for years. I didnt care as much about that for two reasons, one my teams was winnng and second, i dont care as much about football. I can watch just about any baseball game, and when the Yankees build up a 208 million dollar payroll i feel bad for the Twins and Astros of the world. Teams with limited payrolls who simply cant compete with good ol Georgies pocketbook. However i regress because the Yankees and their 208 gazillion dollar payroll didnt even make it out of the first round. Since February we have been hearing that if the Yanks dont win it all this season more than any other season this would be a monumental disappointment. Enter Pissed Off Georgie and i would hate to be in Yankeeland this offseason, if I know George and i dont...............but i would imagine some heads might roll....................like Tony Womack who probably didnt even get to ride the plane home from Anaheim. I dont think former Giants bullpen rejects like Wayne "Career ERA higher than the minimum wage" Franklin, and Felix "I Juiced to be a gatcher" Rodriguez will be back. I mean if they couldnt hack it in the Giants bullpen why in the world would you think they were good. Either way this offseason should be fun and exciting. Sorry Ben...........................I just cant stand em, ........................
.................................and for the record I STILL DONT WANT TO BE A CLIPPER!!!!!